


Maybe

by pyrodawndragon



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Collegestuck, Drabble, M/M, Marine Corps, PTSD, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-19
Updated: 2015-02-19
Packaged: 2018-03-13 19:48:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3394094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pyrodawndragon/pseuds/pyrodawndragon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Cronus Ampora is an ex-marine with PTSD who pines after the loudmouth debater Kankri Vantas. Short drabble, nothing more.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Maybe

He was small, with caramel skin and dark brown hair that was forever tousled and messy. His eyes were a warm brown that were usually hard and distant, but if you caught him off guard they were soft and caring. You pined after him immensely but he never noticed you, he was too busy with his schoolwork and his debate team.

Technically, you were both still juniors but you had opted out of traditional schooling to be a marine. That’s what your father wanted, and you wouldn’t dare cross him. His temper was something you didn't want to mess with and you have a jagged set of scars on your forehead to prove it. You had served for a few years before a certain incident… an incident that left you doubting yourself, disappointed in your actions. You had been relieved from service after said incident and were on temporary leave to collect your thoughts. Its something that lurks in the back of your mind every day. You could’ve done better. You should’ve done better.

And now, instead of being bold enough to confront this man that had caught your attention, you are doubting yourself. Before your few years in the marines, you would’ve walked right up to him and started smooth talking him. But not now. Instead you just sit in the outdoor commons of your college, where you had been taking a few classes since you were relieved of service, and watch him. He has a talent with words. He could be quite convincing at times, but he was usually babbling about one thing or another and some of his peers found it irritating. Not you. You find it endearing. That he could just talk and talk and talk without a care in the world, it was something to be admired. He never had trouble saying what he meant, and he had this was of subtly insulting people as he gave them advice or some useless facts that he had recalled. He faced his problems head on, well as far as you knew that is.

You knew that everyone had demons to face, in fact you had some lurking behind you your entire life. But you lived with them and eventually overcame them. But the one that you struggled with currently was monstrous and you couldn’t face it. You just couldn’t. It hurt you to merely think of what had happened only a few months ago. You called yourself brave, fearless, a good man with great potential. Everyone else saw those qualities in you to. And you acted on them, proving their assumptions as well as their own. But when it became a decision between you living or you dying, you chose wrong. You weren’t brave or fearless. You were selfish and cowardly and you can never forgive yourself. Truly, you couldn’t care less about what others thought of your actions. If they thought it was right or wrong, that didn't matter to you. You let yourself down and it killed you inside to face that. You needed to redeem yourself, to become a better person that you had been before. You needed to overcome the inadequacy that stung like a fresh wound in your chest, and once you did that you could be yourself again.

You needed to stop dwelling on the past, just to face your future and leave you past in the past where it belongs. But with the pain so fresh and burning, you couldn’t forget about it just yet. Maybe soon. Maybe once you regain your courage. Maybe once you stop being so cowardly like you were during the incident that caused you to lose yourself. Maybe one day you will be able to talk to someone about what had happened. Maybe, maybe, maybe.


End file.
